racism in it's complexity

today I ask questions that force us to face moral paradox we are faced with as a country that is still healing

I live in South Africa post apartheid era, and I am black. I have also been viewed as the exceptional black because I grew up quiet and smart. I used to live in the townships and I only moved to the suburbs in my later stages of life. I remember seeing a white person come to visit the townships and people were in awe,they openly idolized her "white" features and I was honestly confused because I only saw a normal person, by the time I was in grade 4 I was asking myself what is so special about white people,this voice only got louder when I really saw the tragedies of racism, apartheid and the slave trade. And I still ask myself this question when the room gets a little quieter.

Then the contradictory perception of white people started because even though I understand that it's in the past , I also understand that trends of perception are inherited , and again a voice ignited at the back of my head, and it simply asked if they still viewed us like that. Do still view us as loud, animalistic and simply as labor machines, and the truth is,they do,some don't but the few that make you hold on to the fear of being a black child, of being loud, they exist and they no longer beat us ,kill us,rape us,or in some cases eat us (some do but you get the point). Their children go to different schools than ours,their social circles systematically exclude the black child, even in work places I seem to have noticed this, correct me if I am wrong I am nothing but an observer.

Then another voice ignites and this time it wonders why my grandmother is afraid to speak her home language,it asks why her voice lowers when I ask her about her life back then,why . I've also been reading and watching a lot of apartheid media these days and the one thing that makes me angry is one single word and it is not the k word, it's "baas", this word has probably inspired the whole essay.

So I ask myself if my mom's angers about apartheid are not unfunny jokes I laugh at and maybe,just maybe,she has developed a bias against her oppressors, maybe, just maybe, it's called racism. Then another voice ignites and evalutes and asks,is it justified?