friendship in it's complexity

Despite my never ending loops of backhanded compliments, rumors spread,tears, never fitting in and friendship heartbreaks ,I seem to find it quiet interesting when I put in effort into new friendships. Though in it's outmost complexity, friendship is just filled with a lot of mistrust and it is, but I seem to have only found the beauty in it. This year has especially been hard because I have lost relationships and interest for people who I loved with my whole heart. My love for my friendships is only irrational. The effort I put in is irrational and stupid, considering my recent history. But what is love if not irrational, right?

I seem to find the beauty in those moments, the moments that you reminisce over, even though they're happening in real life,quite amazing. The vacuum a breakup leaves you with is neverending to say the least, but it makes you savor those moments more . The feeling I get when I realise someone is actually letting me in, letting me disturb their lives, AMAZING. To share moments, poetry,interests,hopes,dreams,jokes, and the unsaid love that we have both accepted. Despite everything, I keep on letting people in because I truly admire the beauty in pure human relationships , platonic or not.

I remember when one time I was opening up to a boy I liked, we had been friends before, although I understand that our relations are never going to be the same, I still remember the one day he first talked to me and by that time I had felt nothing for him yet even without my romantic feelings we understood each other and I was so refreshed by the conversation alone. The way a simple conversation about anything and everything can refresh one like flowers in spring blooming, amazing. I remember the disagreement I had with my friend about store names 3 months ago and I send her a picture because I still remember. Our friendship will forever lie in the store names and so will many others in other stores, countries and even foods . (I'm sorry if I'm being cringe , I'm 15)